This guy’s actions are confusing

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Hi Guys,

I am a bit confused. I met this guy in October on a trip. He was part of a group I belong to that organizes different cultural events. We live in different cities so I used to see him once a month or 2 months depending on when I used to go to the city where he lives. But then I started seeing him almost every 2 weeks because I became more involved with the association and when I was there he would always try to converse with me and he would stare at me.

So anyway I was in a relationship at the time so I wouldn’t give him any attention. I avoided him until I was single. One day I decided to send him a message on Facebook. (We’re friends on FB.) He said that he was happy to hear from and he asked me to see him the next time I was there but before the meeting. So I said yes. And that was the first time we saw each other outside the association. We just walked around for an hour and conversed and then went to the meeting. I had asked him the next day to go to a park and get some fresh air and he said that he liked the idea. So we went for a walk for awhile and then we went about two weeks without hearing from each other. I didn’t write to him. I wanted him to write to me. I had to participate in another event so I saw him in about two weeks; and when he saw me at the association he was strange. He seemed surprised or shocked. I didn’t really understand his body language but he spoke to me like nothing had happened. He acted pretty normal. Since I stayed there for the weekend I asked him if he was free because I wanted to go somewhere for a drink or anything. And he said that I had done well by asking him but he was already busy and if I would have written to him earlier he might have gone. He asked me to see him the next day in the morning since I was leaving in the afternoon. So I texted him in the morning and he called me about a half hour later and told me that he doesn’t have his car to pick me up because he had stayed at his sister’s last night.

SO anyway we managed to meet about an hour later because he got a ride and we do what we usually do: Walk around and converse. He always pays for everything when we get something to eat. He’s a gentleman. So when I have to catch the train to get home we don’t kiss or anything, we just kinda hug and say a few things and that’s about it. He told me that we would hear each other out on FB even though he has my number. I don’t get it. And that’s the second time he said it. The first time was after our walk at the park, but he never wrote to me and I didn’t bother either.

So after this date (let’s call it a date.. I don’t really know what it was) when I got to my town I sent him a message the next day on FB saying something on a book we were discussing, and I also said something like he seemed a bit strange when I left, because he really was. His body language is confusing. And he doesn’t answer me on FB. And then I wrote him another message asking him if he was upset about what I had said. He answered me only about a week later saying that he was sorry but he had been very busy with work and he wasn’t upset. He said that he doesn’t remember being strange or worried like I had assumed. But he said that maybe I saw something he wasn’t aware of. Anyway he finished his message by asking me to write to him if I have any news.

I wrote to him another message..maybe I was pushy again because in the end I like the guy, but he didn’t answer me for about 3 to 4 days so I decided to cancel my account on Facebook and I have not heard from him since then. Not even a message or call. It’s been about three weeks now. I don’t get it. I mean he asks me to go out. There is a lot of attraction. It seemed like he was interested but now not even a message. Help! I don’t know what to do. I don’t know if I should text the guy. Also because I won’t see him for a long time now. I’m busy with work and maybe I will only see him next month. Maybe..

What should i do?

Jane

Dear Jane,

Thanks for writing to us. We’ll try and sort through all of your question/s. We’re going to give you some tough love, only because we think you’re missing a few important insights here. It all comes from a good place.

On the surface it might seem like this guy is giving you mixed signals. But once you delve down a bit we think you’ll see that his behavior has been reasonably consistent. A lot of how you’re feeling is stemming from some of your assumptions.

We think you’re reading too much into some of this guy’s behavior. You say he stared at you and was attracted to you, but how do you really know why he was staring? His subsequent actions undermine your theory of attraction. You also assumed he was cold to you by his reply via text. But how can you assign feelings to words on a screen? Yes, a lot of people do that, and that’s why conducting relationships via email, text, or Facebook can be very dangerous. Making assumptions about what’s going on in someone’s head when they just write something like “OK” is not a good idea. (That’s just an example) You also assume because he pays for you that you’re on a date. He may very well be a gentlemen, but that doesn’t mean he wants anything more than a friendship with you.

Let’s take a step back here. Your relationship with this guy started out as friends because you belong to the same association. He never actually made his intentions known to you. It was you that broke the ice on Facebook once your were single again. And so this makes us wonder if he was really interested. Yes, once you inquired he agreed to get together. And maybe he wasn’t sure how he felt and wanted to go out with you and see. But it seems pretty clear that he didn’t want to pursue a relationship, otherwise he would have. (You’ve made it clear you’re open to it.) In fact it seems you took the initiative pretty much every time you two interacted. Typically guys will pursue if they’re interested. So in the future, even if you’re very excited about a guy, you have to let him be the one to initiate.

The other thing we’ll suggest is: Try not to read into everything so much. Clearly you’re an intuitive person, who’s very in touch with her feelings and emotions. Not everyone will be as intuitive as you, and subsequently won’t think or behave the way you do. People are built differently, and this is not just a guy and girl thing. It’s a personality thing. (See Myers Briggs) Try and take a step back and not react so much. For example: Since he didn’t respond to you, you deleted your Facebook account. Some people are very inconsistent at communicating. This is more a a reflection of their own deficiencies.

We hope you’re still able to go to your association meetings even though things might be a little awkward with this guy. If you do, and you see him, just smile and be nice. No need to rehash anything or try and get some more info out of him. We don’t think he’s going to offer you anything more. Just be friendly and move on, and start thinking about getting yourself back out in the dating world.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Thanks!

 

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