Today I went to check how many emails I had received since I signed up a few days ago.
I had a massive running total of…ZERO. That’s right, It was the same number that I joined with! (Coincidentally, that same number is also the percentage of likelihood that Elisha Cuthbert is going to come over and dig into my pants.)
It’s pretty clear that there isn’t tons of ladies looking for a King Kong sized man at the moment. Maybe I should actually ‘write’ to a girl instead of deluding myself into believing that some smoking hot chick is going to message me with ‘Hi, my name’s Bambi! I like to sunbathe in the warm hot sun, with hot oil all over me!’.
I read over a few of these profiles, a few caught my eye, and I sent out a generic ‘hi! how are you!’, but I didn’t get any responses. (My favorites were the ones where the smoking hot girl in a bikini with the focus on her bountiful chest with profile reading how ’she doesn’t want to be looked upon as an object’). I contemplated sending myself a few messages, but I thought I’d give myself another week before I reduce myself to that level of sadness.
I went back on to check my mail again today…and…I had a response! Two in fact! One was from a girl named Olga. She apparently just moved to the area since immigrating from Russia. It was a fairly long email, though you could tell that it wasn’t her first language. She was however, incredibly attractive.
There was something odd about though about her message. I think it had too much of the …. ‘Hi, I love you, you are my soulmate’ creepy vibe to it. Actually, it almost felt like a person wrote it in English and was trying to sound like they couldn’t speak it by Yoda-izng it to things like ‘Day beautiful today is it not?’, and ‘Friend you are mine forever! Make happy me!’
But beggars can’t be choosers, so I sent her a message back.
The other doublelist message I received was from a girl named Alexa. While she didn’t have the ‘Supermodel-Russian-beauty-model-shots-that-I’m-pretty-sure-are-fake’ thing going for her (which is a good thing), she had a really cute pic, and we held a nice email conversation. So I set up a date with her at a local sushi restaurant she wanted to go to.
Everyone hates being scammed. I’m pretty sure the girl ‘Olga’ from Russia was a scammer. In fact, I’d be willing to bet my 1991 Ed Sprauge Rookie Card that she was (Yea I know, it’s not worth much). I got curious when I started asking her questions like ‘So what do you like to do?’, ‘What part of the city are you from?’ and ‘What’s your favorite food?’, and received responses that were clearly cut and paste, with maybe a word or so changed to seem it fit a bit more naturally.
Here’s an excerpt from the email she sent to me, after I sent her a pretty lame message of ‘So what part of the city are you from? What are your interests?’
Excerpt from Olga’s last email:
“Hi my dear love!!!!!!!!!!!! I must say that I am in Russia. I make mistake saying I am from your country! I wish to go there! It is my dream!! Today I ran in Internet – cafe what to check up a mail in the box. I very much was delighted having received your letter. I with impatience wait for your letters and when they come I I jump with happiness and it is the truth. I send to you the new photo and I think that you will be glad to this. I am very glad, that we find out each other better. It seems to me, at us much in common. I am glad, that have met you. You the kind and fair person.And kindness and honesty it is very important in attitudes with people, I very much appreciate it. I already wrote to you, that I want to build strong and loving family. And mutual respect, honesty and love really important for family happiness, I so think. Today I have told to mum about you. We talked about it much. I dream to go to meet you with all love and devotion!!!! But – it is true – we do not have much money…”
I won’t even start picking apart that email, as you can probably see there is a whole lot of BS, and not a lot of ‘natural response’. I especially love the ‘No money part’. I can already see where this is going. So I quickly responded with a final email of ‘Nice Knowing you, not interested in cross-continent-relationships, don’t let the door hit you on the way out of the cafe’.
It goes without saying, never give any money to someone you want to date, and be especially weary of people from other countries than your own that want your money.